Graduation - The Dress Rehearsal for the rest of your Life

I used to write often. 

Thoughts to ink, that was my Therapy.

Live and die by my emotions.

Write them down 

to sort them out.

I think maybe it all just became too much to even "write out loud".

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou

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I awoke in tears again last night.

It's the alone, at night, it takes me back.

17 year old me.

Standing in front of the father I had never known.

Asking him if he would like to attend my graduation.

He lived  not far from me, raised my half sister 

and her older sister;

a year older than me, she was not his, but he raised her, and he loved her.

"I'm graduating with honors" (💔 Please know ... I'm worth something).

"I'd love for you to join us." (💔 I really need you to care.)

He's sorry, he has to work that day.

Wait... I didn't give you the date or time?!

He cleared his throat, and turned his back. 

And I got the message...

And as I walked that walk of shame back to my Mom's car. 

It was SO LOUD.

That message ... that I didn't matter.

It has been echoing loudly in the emotional chambers of my mind for more than 40 years.    

I was 8 years old when I first learned I had a sister.

Playing at the outdoor pool, with my older cousin. 

She pointed to the baby pool.

That's your baby sister. Don't you think she looks like you?

She did. So much.

What. No. I've always wanted a sister, I don't have one.

Yeah it is. You do.  

Your Dad, the one you don't know,

that's his wife and girls. 

But only the littlest one is your sister. 

I'm sure she was only repeating the whispers she had heard for so many years.

She had no idea just how deep

this reality would cut. 

*I had a sister I didn't know

*and a father that didn't want me

I have tried many a bandage - but it's a wound that will bleed for the rest of my life..